Thursday, March 5, 2009

It's like Boyz II Men said: It's the end of the road, for at least 5


Alright, I'm starting this a little later than usual, Von Smith is butchering "sorry seems to be the hardest word" as we speak. I still don't know why Von is in the mix. Simon says he's a bit boring and I couldn't agree more. Before I give Von anymore screen time, let's recap:

Seacrest reminds us, it's the BIGGEST NIGHT OF THEIR LIVES...don't forget that people, 5 of these fools are out after the idol producers are done milking this "Top 12" stuff for all it's worth. If you listen really closely you can actually hear the American Idol Cow mooing in the background because it's already run dry; oh no, sorry that was just Jesse, bellowing out a horrendous rendition of "Tell Me Something Good". YICK!

Then Matt came out and did...oh you know, AWESOME!! I know I'm completely biased and I totally love him, but that version of "Who's Loving You" kind of knocked my socks off. Ok, so I'm not barefoot really (I'm actually in my newly purchased Snuggie), but it was still kickin'.

Meaghan came on and proceeded to convulse around the stage as she staggered her way through "Black Horse and the Cherry Tree". I kind of hate this song anyway, and hearing her rendition just sealed the deal. Her voice sounds like a combination of Joss Stone and Stewie Griffin (or what I imagine he would sound like if he sang)

Jasmine Murray is on next (I'm skipping Von because it's pretty clear he's not getting through, he even started to cry a bit, so peace out Von, there's always next year...you just have to be true to yourself, or whatever junk Paula was spewing on about). She's doing "Reflection" and I was a little afraid, because that's a GIANT song. She might have actually put herself in the running, though. Oh and now Paula's been told by the producers to nag on Simon, this only gets tedious after the first 12 times, which we passed after about the third show this season. P.S. Simon just said that she "might have put herself in the running". That just goes to show that I really know what I'm talking about, or at least that I could be getting paid to make my same observations on national television. When is Fox going to get a hold of me?! Catch me on the way up producers!!!

Ricky Braddy is kicking the crap out of "Superstition". He's super adorable and wearing the tightest pants I've seen on the show since at least the last time Adam Lambert was on. I just don't understand Paula's outfit. I'm done with the pink leopard and the hot pink faux tie. I don't understand how Simon can say "good chops" in one breath and then say it was "karaoke" in the next. Start making sense!! Randy just said "self-indulgent" you know that's not something he thought of on his own. If you have DVR you can see Simon say the same phrase literally 3 people ago. You know Randy wrote that one down and was just waiting for the right circumstances.

Is it just me, or did Tatiana totally just put on her accent. She talks like some Italian/Brazilian exile PUH-LEESE! Ryan in true drama fashion, introduces her from his knees (no, I'm not going there people, the joke is too easy). She's imagining that she's Whitney Houston....again. You know that this girl's range is Whitney, Mariah, and Aretha, and that's it. She's out of her freaking mind...oh and she's stealing Jorge's Spanish thunder. I'm just waiting for Jorge to jump out of his seat walk up to her face, slap it, and say something to the effect of "Sit down you fake-ass mamacita!" Simon literally just gave up. She's not listening, mumbling on about "well you know when something is so good, you don't fix it". Now they're just openly mocking her, which is kind of fun.

Anoop is repeating a song too, not an awesome move but it's "My Prerogative". I loved it Hollywood week, this week I'm a bit worried. I still love him. Randy thinks he "slayed it"! I think that's used up his "slayed" quota for the week. I'm wondering if people actually listen to the judges when they're onstage anymore. When it's Paula's turn people probably pull out their checkbooks to get a little balancing in before they have to sit down and await their decision.

And decision time it is. They're really pulling this one out. There are right now 6 minutes before the official start of Hell's Kitchen, and here we go....

Jasmine's first up: Randy does the fake "sorry to say" thing but she's IN...mom will be pleased!

Ricky Braddy: he's going home, but he's still adorable.

Meaghan and Tatiana: UGH...of these two, I pick NO ONE...but if it has to be Meaghan, that's fine...Tatiana is going on to NOTHING...what an attention hog, this brat is so annoying. She actually forced the producers to go to a commercial break because she can't hold herself together. They actually cut to Kai who's laughing hysterically at the now crumbling Tatiana. It was almost worth watching her dreams get crushed again. Kind of like watching the popular girl fall down the stairs at school, except better because there are millions and millions of people watching her humiliation. I hope the producers are paying her a boatload.

Jesse: It's a NO! (thank god)
Von: Paula wrap it up...it's a no
Matt & Anoop: This is the worst thing ever, it's like Sophie's Choice, but more dramatic...

Matt's through...and it's the top 13!!!!!!! because ANOOP's THROUGH TOOO!!!! Best American Idol Night EVER!!! (Ok, not better than watching David Cook win, that's still the best ever. But this falls somewhere in between watching Blake do a beat-box version of You Give Love a Bad Name, and Michael Johns sing "We Are The Champions). In a season where crap has certainly filled the stools, things are finally looking up!

Til next week suckas!!


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