Wednesday, May 20, 2009

The Yellow Brick Road Runs Out-AKA Someone gets a Golden Idol


So it's here, the end, the finale, the last laugh, the most dramatic night in television.  Alright, well, really, it's just the last night of American Idol.  It's not like the apocalypse is coming tomorrow, despite what Seacrest has to say.  Oh, I'm going to miss you theme song.  Why are there so many stars in the audience, don't these people have something better to do?!  Oh who am I kidding, if I could pull a ticket to the finale, I totally would.

Oh God, Randy looks like some horrendous combination of Kanye West and Farnsworth Bentley and there's a montage for every judge I guess.  Randy gets "you for me for you"; Kara gets "sweetie, honey"; Paula literally just babbles out SAT words the entire time; finally, Simon gets a lot of "sorry, what'd you say" which is dumb because everyone knows he's the judge that matters the most.  

The boys are all in white, which is kinda weird and kinda awesome.  Oh someone in audio is getting fired.  No one can hear either of the contestants.  Why are they interviewing a four year old?  Well that satellite feed was a mess!!  How come the awesomeness that is Carly Smithson is in San Diego, and in Conway they literally picked up someone off of a Boulevard.

Oh it's time for the return of the Top 13.  Oh god, it's so good to know that some things never change, these group numbers are still a mess!!  Jorge and Scott, together, man, it looks like there's a home missing some patients.  Yes, I know that's not the kindest thing to say, but seriously, choreography isn't everyone's strong suit. I knew there was a reason I was watching the finale.  Megan is slinking around stage like she's someone important and finally after some really "pitchy" moments, it ends.  Oh that was ri-donc-u-lous.  You could literally see Adam and Kris say "I didn't beat these bi-yatches to bring them back and crap on my stage!"

AAHHHH!!!!! DAVID COOK IS BACK  oh god I love him.  "Permanent" is a great song.  I think this is for his brother.  I think that's what the black armband is for too.  Wow, that was a schooling in a powerful moment.  Spoken true David, American can't get this wrong, with a certain G-man gone.  

Oh god there are awards?!  Why do I not remember this?  It's so cheesetastic, bordering on phenomenal.  Oh man, these guys were so great.  I'm guessing this has to go to Norman Gentle. come on...I love this guy..."norman gentle o nine peace out", and the drop of the microphone.  Awesome.

Lil Rounds is back with a ton of extensions and Queen Latifa.  I actually like this song.  At least she sounds better than she did in those middle 5 weeks, although some of the low notes sound a lil rough (get it, lil?  get it?)

I'm guessing this means that Tatiana will be back.  Actually it's difficult for me to decide who I like less Tatiana or Megan.  Don't forget, Tatiana never cawed, she just cried.  I'll try to decide by the end of the night.

Oh it's ANOOP!! YAY!!  Jason Mraz is barefoot with creepy facial hair, ugh, go back to Anoop!  Michael Sarver looks like he has absolutely no idea what he's doing up there, resigned to backup singer.

Kris Allen's journey is on now.  Oh I will miss his smile so much.  He's the definition of ADORABLE!!  OH KEITH URBAN and KRIS ALLEN, this is kind of amazing.  If you don't know Keith, you should, not only is he a great songwriter and singer, he's one of the most amazing guitarists out there.  He makes guitar an art.  I wonder how excited Kris is right now, I'm guessing somewhere between stoked and super-stoked.  

oh boy, it's the girls with Fergie's "Glamorous" and Megan has the first couple lines and she manages to muck those up in a hot pink onesie.  Thanks for ruining my idea of getting a onesie this summer Megan.  Fergie looks a lot like a transvestite right now.  How did she manage to land Josh Duhamel again?  Well at least she sings better than Megan. In case you were wondering, yes that was Megan Joy doing her best version of a stripper doing the robot in the aisle, thank you to Chris for pointing that out and thank you to DVR for letting us replay and pause that and laugh.  Oh and the censorship logo just went up.  What was Fergie spitting?!  In case you were wondering this song is awesomely titled "Boom Boom Pow".    I've seen enough boom boom for one night, I think.

Golden Idol Part Deux:  Best Attitude.  Bikini Girl, Alexis Cohen, Tiffany Shedd (the hillbilly), and the idol goes to Katrina who has apparently had such a gigantic boob job that Simon literally says "wow" an Randy stands up to applaud the objectification of women.  Ryan slyly says "I would ask what's new, but I think I know".  Oh god, this is so much worse...holy crap.  The only time this season I was so proud that Kara was on this show.  Kara, I take back literally half of the bad things I've said about you because you rocked that, and thank you for showing up that total bitch.  Sorry if there are young ones reading this, but kids, the horrid woman in the pink bikini is what a BITCH looks like, you don't want to end up like her.  Oh we're watching it again, because let's face it, there's nothing like watching a ho-bag get her comeuppance on national television.

Allison is up this time with Cyndi Lauper, this has the potential to be awesome.  And it's pretty darn good.  or at least until Cyndi starts chanting, but this is still a classic song. 

Oh man, Kris' parents are so classy.  I like Adam's parents too.
Oh no, it's Gokey doing another Easy Listener.  Oh I remember this Lionel Richie song you know who does it better, David Cook.  Holy Crap, Lionel Richie is actually making it for this one!! Might as well get off stage Gokey, no one's listening to you.  Lionel Richie still rocks.  Oh yes, he's singing "All Night"  YYEEESSS!!!! I wish I could dance on the ceiling like they do in this awesome 80s video

Adam's getting his chance now.  Adam opens up for KISS singing a toned down version of Beth and by toned down I mean he's in platform shoes, with some awesome shoulder cages.  HOLY CRAP I can't even believe this.  I've got to gather my thoughts  Holy Crap!!  I think we know who's winning tonight.  I just saw a tri-split screen featuring Paul Stanley, Adam Lambert and Gene Simmons. THAT WAS AWESOME!!!!  And highly biased and ridiculous

Carlos Santana is starting out with some of his oldies but goodies with "Black Magic Woman".  I have to say, the day that I found out that my dad owned "Abraxas" was the day that I knew my dad was awesome.  I mean I knew it before that, but that was confirmation.

Oh man, that Ford Music Video was ridiculous.  You know what else is ridiculous, this trio of Michael Sarver, Megan Joy, and Steve Martin.  oh please stop this soon.  How in the world did Megan Joy get so far?!?! I think she thinks she can yodel.

Oh, the boys are looking snazzy in their suits. Holy crap if Rod Stewart comes out, I have no idea what I will do.  Can I tell you how amazing it is that they're singing "If you want my Body".  Oh man Rod is there, and he's looked better I think, but come on "Maggie May" is amazing.  Alright, we've just established that EVERYONE'S mom loves Rod.  I'm sure my own is flipping out a little bit right now.  

I have to say, I think this has been one of the greatest season finales in a really long time.  As tough as this year was, this finale is kind of rocking.

The last, but not least, Golden Idol goes to the "Outstanding Female" and I'm guessing it's going to be Tatiana.  And yes, she's back.  That laugh, that ridiculous confidence, the press packet.  Oh it's too too much.  I couldn't tell if Tatiana was joking, until the security guys came out.  Even Ryan was speechless.  Congratulations Tatiana, you're officially my least favorite person this season.  Yes, that's right.  Megan Joy took second place because she at least made me laugh at her gyrating in the aisles, where as Tatiana just makes me shake my head in wonderment at the human race.

oh man it's a Queen-We Are The Champions.  If the remaining members of Queen show up, and there they are!  Brian May!!!  Wow.  Kudos American Idol.  Kudos.  I think that was Adam Lambert's audition.  No lie.

This is it.  The last last results.  The "adjudicator" certifies that a new world record was created with almost 100 million votes. 

And the Winner is....

KRIS ALLEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD...

HE'S STUNNED, AND SO AM I.  

Never underestimate the power of teenage girls with hormones and cell phones.  That's the lesson of American Idol kids.  

For the last time, at least for the last American Idol of the season, I'm signing off.  Until next season, enjoy the music and rest your cell phones!  





No comments: