Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Transformers 2: You Chose the Wrong Movie


Don't worry about the title, you'll understand it if you make it through the first 2 hours and 10 minutes of this movie (I refuse to allow myself to call this a FILM); I'm not entirely sure that everyone will have the constitution to make it that far though. Good lord, this movie is out of control in every single way. I could go on and on, but I really feel like delving too in-depth is both a waste of time and an exercise in uselessness.

Let's face it. Michael Bay always has been and always will be style over substance. Nothing is new here, except perhaps the level of excess to which Bay carries his opus. And that's what Transformers 2 is, his ode to all things without boundaries.

Not having IMDB open right now, I can't tell you who edited this movie off the top of my head. The name doesn't matter. What does matter is that he probably didn't have too difficult a job, since every scene feels like it's from another Michael Bay movie. Maybe this should have been called Michael B's Greatest Hits. Seriously, at one point, I was pretty sure Shia was a second away from kneeling desperately on the ground while holding two smoking flares, a la Nic Cage. I'm positive I've seen that battleship exploding more than once.

I don't really need to reiterate, but I will. The story is paper thin, the plot is inexplicable, and it took 3 people to come up with such doozies as "This is top-secret...don't tell my mother". Poor, poor John Turturro. That's ok John, just try to put that time you were in a great Spike Lee movie out of your head and roll around in your money. Honestly, there were moments that you could see coming from literally miles away, and when they got there, the payoff wasn't worth it.

Although I wasn't really expecting much, I was at least expecting to be entertained. I enjoyed the first one. I thought it was a fairly strong adaptation, for a movie made from a 1980s cartoon about alien robots who can transform into mechanical/electrical things and run from pursuers known as "decepticons". I mean, you take it with a grain of salt. But this one feels like the equivalent of waking up every morning to a flaming pile of crap and stepping in it every time.

I was not prepared for the borderline offensive nature of some of the autobots. There are a set of twins that utter things that I'm pretty sure would have been a skit on "In Living Color". The problem is the Wayans would have been mocking stereotypes, and Michael Bay...well he's Michael Bay, the white guy who, as far as I know, is lacking street cred more than Beaver Cleaver. When you give an autobot a gold tooth and have it say things like "READING?! Nah we don' really do too much readin' ", uhm, I'm just saying...

I can picture the directing process of this going something like this: "That was alright, now do it BIGGER", being yelled through a megaphone that's three times the size of a regular megaphone, with Michael Bay sitting in one of those GIGANTIC directors chairs that he needs a ladder to climb into. I kind of can't believe that Spielberg agreed to have his name attached to it as an Executive Producer. I'm hoping he didn't get a chance to see the final product, because if he did and he didn't put an end to some of these things, I would be a sadder person for knowing that.

Oh well...all of this ranting counts for bupkiss...when I wake up in the morning I'll still be going to work in a cubicle and Michael Bay will be lighting his gas stove with hundred dollar bills and using the 20 dollar bills as napkins. Bless him for figuring out that all people usually want from movies is lots of explosions, slow-motion boob jiggles, and LOTS of American made cars that make robot sounds all happening at a break-neck speed that only make sense if you've done at least one line of coke in the bathroom before the show.

With all of this being said, I hope you enjoy the movie, because you know you're definitely seeing it this weekend and you know it'll make almost, if not more, than 100 million at the box office this weekend.

Michael Bay, I salute you and your pursuit of the American dream. Bravo Sir!

Overall:

If this was a REAL movie, I'd be forced to give it a C- (and that's generous)

but since it's Michael Bay, I'm giving it a B+++ (the B is for Balls to the Wall Action, Expolsions, and Exploitation).

2 comments:

Chris said...

btw, it took FOUR people to edit this turd.

V-Man said...

"Balls to the wall action"

I like it when you get angry! You're writing really pops with attitude I can respect.