I was originally going to title this entry "Tim and Pedro sitting in a tree" but I figured that might be going too far. This is too much. Fox and their blatantly anti-Yankee coverage, helmed by Joe Buck, Tim McCarver, and Ken Rosenthal (whom I've dubbed Home Depot because of his inherent tool-ness) are quickly ruining the World Series for me. I was honestly just happy the Yanks had won the League Championship. The Phillies were always going to be a tough draw. They're a great, worthy team. I have nothing against them, honestly, but the 3 Dumb-egos in the booth are driving me insane. So now, instead of having to mute the tv for 3 and a half hours straight, I've decided to take back my team and my World Series. Fox can suck it.
I'm going to just be writing down some of the best lines, which will pretty much be the entire telecast. It's 8:45 right now, but I'm going to rewind a little, because I like to torture myself:
8:23-Ode to the Phillies- they beat the Rockies and the Dodgers to get here (set to dramatic music)
8:24-AJ Burnett has thrown to 6 batters, all first strikes (Timmy adds they're all fastballs, thanks Tim)
8:26 -Despite Timmy doubting AJ, Burnett does indeed throw a first strike fastball to Stairs (good try though Timmy)
Matt Stairs is apparently a "very funny guy born in New Brunswick who loves the fastball" (though what all of those things have to do with each other, I have no idea, it's like the new version of long walks on the beach and Pina Coladas)
8:27-The excitement is palpable as Joe Buck gets to go up on "the throw by Damon is late and it's 1 nothin' Philadelphia". Again Tim does too much imagining blaming A-rod for not catching a hopper into left field. Despite Tim's imagination, this is scored a hit. Just think of it as a bonus for funny-man Stairs, Timmy.
Instead of just saying "Stairs put the Phillies up by 1 with a single" there's some long drawn out statistics about how Stairs is the 6th on some never-seen list. Apparently, if I saw Stairs on the street I would confuse him with John the Baptist or at least John Kruk.
8:33-"Pedro Martinez is 5'11'' 190 pounds and all heart" (excuse me while I remove the spoon from my throat, the gagging reflexes have kicked in automatically). Does Joe Buck know that "heart" and "ego" are two different, very separate things.
8:33-Martinez's stats are "staggering" according to Timmy. I've never been staggered before, well I guess something new does happen every day.
8:34-Martinez brings "fear to fans without pitching" and that the Yankee fans well "what a quiet crowd". Pedro thinks he might be "the most influential player that ever stepped in to Yankee Stadium" Oh Pedro, if you believe that, I also have some great land in the Everglades I'd like to sell you.
Despite the battle the A-Rod is putting up at this at bat, by the way, there's no mention of the fact that he's made Martinez work.
This inning, if it had a title would simply be "Pedro, Pedro, Pedro"
8:37 Matsui just got a hit-but before we care about that, let's take a look at a video package of Martinez's greatest moments, one of which includes throwing 72-year-old Don Zimmer to the ground. Yes, Fox, you're right, we really are in the presence of a gentleman this evening.
8:39-we're reminded that Don Zimmer takes the blame for apparently throwing himself to the ground. None of it was really Martinez's fault. Poor, poor Pedro. I've misjudged you all along.
"So offensively, for the most part, Cano has been missing in action"-Joe Buck (JB)
A pitch so far outside, it might as well have been aimed at Saks, apparently- "just missed"-JB
Raul Ibanez is a saint according to the dynamic duo.
8:43-we find out the "real reason" Jerry Hairston Jr. is in the lineup "the real reason why is that Nick Swisher isn't hitting". No really, don't hold any punches. For some reason, when it's coming out of a Yankees' announcers mouth, that doesn't sound quite as spirit-crushing as it does coming from JB's. I know Nick isn't hitting, he knows he isn't hitting, we all know he isn't hitting and guess what, despite your prowess at the mic, if you hadn't said anything JB, I still would have known that's why Hairston's in.
8:49-thanks to Timmy, I now know that "9 out of 9" means "all 9 of the first hitters". If only I had Timmy around when I was working on Statistics, I probably could have moved up to an A- from a B+.
8:51-Timmy lets us know he can still read the signs by telling us the pitch that's coming-almost like he was psychic in another life.
Timmy does give credit to AJ for having "quick feet" on an almost-pickoff.
JB gives credit to Burnett for having a "good pitch". Don't shower the compliments boys.
8:56-Timmy lets me know that Victorino is the "Flyin-Hawaiian" an avid "cliff diver". Sorry, is this turning into the Craiglist personal ads?
Fox has this field mic'd up more than a Rolling Stones concert. I'm surprised they don't have one of the bleacher vendors mic'd. I'd like to get the "Cracker Jack" guys opinion on the game.
9:00-For a minute, Timmy thinks Halloween is on October 30th. Good call Tim, it's only been on October 31st for the last...oh I don't know 6 generations...at least. He blames his watch.
Timmy can't believe the Yankees idiocy at intentionally walking Utley: "how many times in recent history has a guy been walked to pitch to a man with 45 home runs on the season. The doesn't happen very often". Why didn't you just say "what are you thinking Girardi, are you stupid or somthin'?"
Oh crap!!!! Sorry guys, I just ruined my DVR playback! Now I have to skip ahead 46 minutes.
The Yanks have tied so it's 9:46, tied 1-1, going into the bottom of the 5th. I'm calling Mamma Koch to find out how the Yanks scored: Apparently Tex got a solo home run in the bottom of the 4th. I'm pretty sure there wasn't much excitement on the side of anyone in the booth.
Ken Rosenthal has the "Cliff Lee Story" for us. Apparently Cliff Lee had to galavant all around Manhattan, use public transportation (god forbid) and make it to the stadium on his own yesterday. There's seriously, a schedule in the left hand quadrant of the screen, so you know exactly what Cliff Lee's rough afternoon was like. Oh poor Cliff. This is the most boring, useless thing I've heard since I found out there was going to be a second Mars Rover.
9:53, Pedro Then & Now video going into the break-you must be friggin' joking.
There's a Patriots Visa commercial on right now. Like I needed another reason to have an issue with this broadcast. Just for that, I'll add in "Go Giants!" (and I'm not even a huge football fan)
Another scoreless inning for AJ-that was courtesy of me, not Batman and Robin
"This is a tough inning for Martinez"-Timmy
Appropriately, the crowd asks Pedro "Who's your Daddy?"-oh that never gets old for me.
"There's so much action at the plate and in the hitting area"-JB - no really, because I thought with baseball it was all about the triple lutz.
10:10-Pedro Martinez is "a master"-Timmy
HIDEKI JUST HOMERED...and strangely the booth is silent....weird.
10:17-JB begrudgingly admits that Burnett has turned in a great performance. I'll take what I can get. And another STRIKEOUT
10:19-and ANOTHER STRIKEOUT
10:24-a crappy DJ Hero remix of the game. Fox can find more ways to defile baseball than, I'm pretty sure, any other network.
10:29-despite Tim thinking that Melky wasn't bunting, Melky squares up. Second pitch Melky's on first and Gardner's on third...and POSADA'S UP!! Oh Boo!! They're taking him out. But seriously, I haven't laughed so hard at a pitcher leaving the mound...well ever. It was a beautiful thing to watch the Bronx give Pedro the cheer he deserves. So long "master". Who will Tim love now?! Maybe he could join them up in the booth. I'm sure they'd do a cutaway from the game for that!
10:36-Tim thinks this is a must-win situation for the Yankees. Translation: "If the Yankees don't win tonight, it's over!" I kind of like that McCarver thinks the Yankees are the underdogs. We're rarely in that position.
10:39-Tim finally gets to say "that's a bad move by Derek Jeter" he must feel vindicated. I'll admit, it was a dumb move, you don't keep thinking bunt with 2 strikes, but how many ways are there to say it?! Tim can find at least 5.
We're looking at what the Phillies have done in their postseasons. I wonder why the Yankees postseasons aren't being brought up? I suppose everyone already knows that there are 26 world series there, so maybe it's a moot point. I just wanted to remind everyone, since Fox wasn't going to.
The Umps make another terrible call. Someone find out if the Umps union is being funded by Fox and/or Tim McCarver.
10:50 -"oh no, that was not obvious by any means"-Timmy in reference to the terrible call that ended a promising Yankee inning.
The umps should have to pay something for making these terrible calls, in every game. The entire post season has been marred by bunk calls!
Jimmy Rollins had a "great at bat". Remember when A-Rod had just as great of an at bat? Ok so he ended up sitting down, but he still worked the count. I guess Mo just isn't the "master" that Martinez is yet.
Timmy sounds like a beligerent little kid "i don't understand why they didn't send the runners, it just let the Yankees get out of it" like there wasn't great pitching and phenomenal defense involved. Give a little credit Timmy.
11:05-Oh apparently, the call that ended the 8th for the Phillies is unfair a "BIG missed call" according to JB. But the call the ended the 7th for the Yanks was no big whoop. Please. And they just drilled Tex.
Why are they giving so much time to what the Phillies should have done?! I didn't hear any of this when the Yanks were up.
11:20-The Dynamic duo are contending that Howard's last pitch was indeed a ball, though called a strike by the "veteran" umpires. That catch by Cano really quieted Joe Buck down quickly.
And the series is TIED! Congrats Yanks!!
They do award AJ Burnett the Player of the Game.
Oh Mark, the reporter I've never seen before, must be not so anti-Yanks, he tells Mark "Go Get 'Em". Another Pedro slo-mo.
Oh good, Ken Rosenthal's interview with AJ:
"how determined were you to get ahead?" (after reciting the game stats)
"Your guys were down by one, you're facing Pedro Martinez, how were the emotions running?"
"You come out in the eighth...how determined were you to keep it up?"
Whoever this Mark guy is, I like him WAAAYYY more than Home Depot.
Until Game 3, hope you enjoyed!